You're a WHAT!
by Rantzilla
Summary: A Christmas fic. YEAH, I FOLLOWED A FIC TREND. Naruto plans a special evening for him and Sasuke. But, as with everything Naruto plans, it goes terribly wrong. Perfect ending? I think not. Rated T for language. And a sexual reference. There had to be one.


YAY. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

EVE!

There WILL be mistakes. I typed this in an hour while it was still on my mind, and didn't re-read. It may be a little spacey at some parts, because my parents kept coming in and looking at the screen. (LOL... D: )

I hope you enjoy my little SasuNaru Christmas contribution! I really tried to get in character for this one, but it might not have worked. You be the judge!

AGAIN, MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR (I might make a New Year one, too. HEHE.)

**NEW TITLE BY sasunarulvr4evr! LOVE HER. LOVE HER!**

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**You're a WHAT?!  


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I am not going to lie.

Not that I lie on a daily basis! It's just, this is _really _important, and I wouldn't lie about something like this!

I have been working non-stop for _eight long, long hours _to make this night _perfect _for my best friend and I. He better fucking appreciate it! Or I'll shave his head or something!

And I say 'best friend' because that is what we are. Best friends. Nothing more.

Until tonight, hopefully.

This is Sasuke's first Christmas back with Konoha, plus- as a Christmas present- Tsunade decided to lift his punishment by a whole year! Now it's only nine! Hooray!

Oh, the punishment? It's only community work, like teaching at the Academy or helping new teams on low-level missions. But that's not the point!

No- the point is he is back. And he's spending Christmas with the ever-so-amazing me! Naruto Uzumaki, believe it!

I REALLY need to stop doing that.

Ah well, back to what I was saying before my little Sasuke-based rant, I've been decorating my house for a full eight hours. Mistletoe, wreaths, candles, a giant Christmas tree with every decoration and ornament imaginable. You know, the works.

And if I do say so myself, it makes quite a romantic scene! I may not know much about this stuff, but isn't vanilla romantic? Isn't it alluring?! Isn't it?!

Oh shit, what if I did everything wrong?! What if he doesn't like vanilla?! What if the TREE falls on him?! I mean, it is pretty heavy with ornaments, it could tilt at any moment... And... And...

Ok, let's just take some of these things down. Yes, just like that. Maybe I should slow down a bit, seeing as ripping off ornaments from one side of the tree can make it- OH FUCKING SHIT HELL AHHHHH!

Ow. Owowowowowow. Needles in my eye. OUCH.

Remind me to never EVER throw myself under a giant pine tree with hot lights and pokey ornaments in order to catch it. Seriously. Never again.

Hell who am I kidding, I'll forget by tomorrow.

I'm just happy that I'm SUPER STRONG (I am, believe it! ...FUCK.) Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to crawl out like I did.

So- right now it's 7 o'clock, and I'm fixing the tree to be perfect again. I still need to clean up the needles, take another shower, and get all dressed and ready.

All in two hours.

Right- I can do this. I just need the proper motivation. Like ramen! Oh, that's good! Ramen will help me move faster!

ONE HOUR, FIFTY-FIVE MINUTES, AND TWENTY-FIVE RAMEN BOWLS LATER

Man, I'm stuffed!

But damn was that a feast! Miso ramen will NEVER let me down!

K, what time is it now.

...Whoa..

That canNOT be right.

8:55.

No. Fucking. Way.

I can never remember moving as fast as this in my life.

I took a shower in two minutes, got dressed in thirty seconds (maybe a reindeer sweater knitted by Sakura and some baggy gray sweatpants wasn't that sexy... but I had no time for that now!), and fixed the tree in three minutes. Ok, I basically shoved the ornaments back in the tree- I didn't even bother to hang them!

Good thing I got a dense tree. See, I can be smart sometimes, believe it!

DAMMIT!

I swear, if my hair turns gray from all this stress I'm blaming Sasuke. Then I'm sooooo dying his hair pink.

Man, I really have no time to admire my handiwork. But, _damn _am I amazing.

I mean- who else could make a perfectly lighted Christmas tree, with only white lights? Nothing flickered, it just kind of _glows. _And the ornaments are all white and glassy, some splashes of red and green thrown here and there. Also, the haphazard placement actually made for a good touch.

And the candles! Honestly, could I be any more awesome? I think not!

They're all over the doorways (yes it's a fire hazard, but a site told me that it's romantic!), on tables, basically every surface in the room. Except for cloth, of course. I'm not THAT stupid. Really now.

I can't help but beam happily at my strategically placed mistletoe! Right under the door you have to get through to get to the Christmas tree!

Hmm.... mistletoe... me and Sasuke kissing....

How I'd like for him to kiss me in the white light cast by the beautiful Christmas tree and what the fuck why am I being so sappy?

But... Me and Sasuke.... kissiinngg.....

"Dobe."

Strange, that sounded like Sasuke... I didn't hear the doorbell though.... Can't be him.

"Usuratonkachi!"

Strange, that sounded like angry Sasuke... still no doorbell though. Back to daydreaming about kissing!

Mmmm... kissing....

"NARUTO!"

OH! WHAT THE HELL.

"SASUKE, WHAT THE HELL! YOU... EBLEFK....FLASDKFJ!"

I am so literate. Shut up.

"I got in by the window, stupid. It was open, so I let myself in. The tree is so bright I could see it from five blocks over."

So much for romance. This guy has no tact! How do I even like this dickhead?!

And my tree is PRETTY! He can just SUCK IT.

Oh how I wish he would... OH MY GOD YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

And so much for the MISTLETOE. Damn loopholes.

Luckily, I forgive easily. So I won't dye his hair pink. Or shave it.

Yet.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Flinging yourself onto someone is absolutely positively not suggestive. At all. I hug people alll the time. No joke.

Maybe rubbing my head into his chest is a bit much... but it's so warm, plus it smells nice!

What, I happen to LIKE cologne! Is that so weird?!

"Dobe."

Oh my gosh. Ohmygoshohmygosh.

He tilted my chin up! With his finger! This is just like in those cheesy romance movies where the guy and girl kiss and have sex and make beautiful babies only that can't happen with me and Sasuke because we're both guys and we can't reproduce together and I'm rambling and I don't care but still ASDFJKL; OMG!

"I have something to tell you."

He's gonna say it! Finally! He's gonna confess his love to the beautiful and amazingly epic me! I knew he liked me! I knew it! Now kiss me, you fool!

My heart hurts. It's pumping blood to my face AND my nether regions. Hm.

His eyes are so sexy right now, his pale face, his oh-so-perfect nose, even his cold composure! When did I learn _that _word.

Just say it. Those three words. Say it!

"Naruto, I'm Jewish."

"I LOVE YOU, TOO! Wait, what?"

Well, fuck.

Actually, it's more like...

FUCK FUCK FUCKING SHIT OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

JEWISH?! WHO THE HELL IS JEWISH ANYMORE?!

SERIOUSLY. ME PUSHING HIM AWAY IS SO CALLED FOR AND WHOA WHOA WHOA WHAT IS HE DOING?

"Sorry?"

Sorry? SORRY?!

"WHAT THE FUCK. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE JEWISH?!"

"Considering I was wearing a yamika since the twelfth... I even asked you to play with a dreidel with me... But you said you were 'too busy.'"

I thought that hat was a new trend or something!

Ok. Maybe I should have seen this coming. But still...

_Eight hours!_

It is NOT my fault that I pounced on him. What would you have done?! I really wanted to rip his face off... but somehow...

I kissed him?

And it was nothing like I imagined it.

It was rough and angry, on my part, and confused on his. It was also sloppy and ended REALLY fast.

TOO fast.

But why had it just been so..

Perfect?

I don't get it.

"Ahem... I was saying 'sorry?' because I didn't think I heard you right... I wasn't apologizing for being Jewish, dobe."

HE. IS. SO. DEAD.

"DAMMIT, SASUKE. I DID ALL OF THIS FOR YOU, AND YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO BE A DOUCHEBAG?! HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW I FELL IN LOVE WITH Y-"

Silencing someone with your lips is beyond cliché, but I guess it makes up for his douchebaggery. Considering it's so soft and nice.. And his lips taste like vanilla.

Hm.. I guess he does like it after all.

"For me?"

A voice THAT silky should be banned. For being too sexy. If I ever hear him using that voice on someone else, I'll tear out his vocal chords.

After I dye his hair pink.

Yes, dying his hair pink is worse than shaving it- in my opinion.

Oh yeah, his question!

No words would form past the heart currently taking up residence in my throat, so I nodded.

And then I felt the incredible urge to have my lips on his again and never again will I be this sappy I SWEAR to you.

So, my urge won out to my brain, and I kissed him.

That night, we brought in the new year on my couch.

Naked.

Just kidding (though I wish I wasn't), we sat in front of the fire, blew out all the hazardous candles, drank hot cocoa, and Sasuke kicked my Christian butt in a game with his dreidel.

Somehow, after the game, the Christmas tree ended up falling on Sasuke. HM, I WONDER HOW.

And I didn't feel bad at ALL. In fact, it felt great! I laughed for twenty minutes.

He chased me around with a chidori in hand for thirty.

Long story short, the hours before Christmas were the best in my life.

Even though half of my apartment was destroyed with a chidori, it was perfect!

I am proud to say that we weren't best friends by midnight- we were much, much more.

And when Sasuke woke up the next morning with hair dyed pink and a scowl plainly set on his face- I could not find it in myself to run. I was too busy being in hysterics on the floor of my apartment.

I didn't even move when he held a chidori above my head.

I won't lie, believe it! (SHIT.)

This is no perfect ending, not at all.

But maybe, just maybe..

Yeah, just maybe.

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BELIEVE IT!

Sorry. LOLAMERICANS.

This was actually in my head awhile ago, and then I get on fanfiction, see all these Christmas stories, and then I'm all...

"WHERE IS THE HANUKKAH LOVE?!"

So SOMEHOW this came out. And yes, in my eyes, Sasuke is a JEW.

Sorry if some of my Jewish facts are wrong. I'm Catholic so... yeahh. Not that good at that kind of stuff.

This ended up really corny, too.

-shot-

I'M SO SORRY.

But seriously. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa.

Happy WHATEVER YOU CELEBRATE!

Peace!

P.S.

NEW TITLE PLEASE?


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